Closure
by Forlorn Melody
Summary: An imagining of what happened to FemShep after each Mass Effect 3 ending. FemShep/Kaidan pairing throughout. Contains enough angst to fuel an FTL drive.


"Thanks for coming." Kaidan cleared his throat, pulling out a chair for her. The table had white linen, set with their champagne and wine glasses, and a tower of glowing tea candles. Gentle music played in the background. Even the scent of roses permeated the air. He had always marveled at the Citadel's ability to grow plants of all kinds in a giant space station. And despite the restaurant's famed reputation and constant flow of customers, Kaidan's recent accomplishments on Earth had earned him the best table in the house, at the last minute. It was perfect.

"Honestly, I was a bit surprised at your message. You're not the most—"

"Flirtatious?" Kaidan chuckled, thumbing the corner of his datapad, even though he already knew the menu by heart. "Well, especially when you have James Vega on board, anyone else sounds like as flirtatious as a hanar priest."

Miranda laughed, and the candlelight glimmered in her eyes as she did. Even Kaidan had to admit that any outfit, even if it was a pile of rags, would look great on this lady, especially in this light. Not that she was wearing rags tonight, far from them. In fact, whatever these fine materials were, they hugged her uh—curves in a very flattering fashion. Kaidan brought his gaze back to her face, hopefully before she noticed. Not only did Miranda look great, but she possessed an intelligence that outpaced just about any person, man or woman, that Kaidan knew. Any guy would be lucky to have her out for dinner like this. Everything was perfect—or at least, it should have been.

"I suppose. You're such a private person—especially after…what happened back on Earth." Miranda looked down at her datapad, biting her lip. "With Shepard."

"We didn't lose her on Earth. We lost her on the Citadel." Kaidan said quickly, trying his best not to spit it out.

"I know that. We all do." Miranda reached out her hand, squeezing his. "But there's nothing we can do to change it."

"I know." Kaidan sighed, trying to distract himself by putting in their drink orders. He wasn't sure what Miranda liked—probably something expensive. "Do you prefer wine or champagne? Or dare I say-beer?" Hopefully his smile was convincing.

"You're changing the subject, Kaidan." She squeezed his hand a second time.

"Why not get all three? It's high time we live a little." Hm—Dr. Chackwas said the house red was 'exquisite.' One of those. And whatever the priciest champagne was. And his favorite lager.

"She's not coming back."

Those four words hit him like a bullet to the chest. "Miranda-You brought her back once before, didn't you?"

"That was different. Back then, we actually had a body to work with. Now we have nothing."

"Surely the Archives have records of her DNA…or one of the old Cerberus labs—"

Her tone was sharper now. "We both know a clone isn't the same thing as the real Shepard."

"It's better than noth—"

"Is it? Is it Kaidan?" She glared at him. "I know you're in pain, but you _know_ Shepard wouldn't want her memory tarnished like that. You need to move _on_."

"Don't you think I've tried? Don't you think I'm trying right _now?"_

"Are you, Kaidan Alenko?" She stood up, bracing her hands on the table. "Or are you just using me to try and get her back?" Miranda threw her hands up in the air, pushing herself away from the table, from him. "Don't answer that. It's clear I'm wasting my time."

"Miranda! Wait!" Kaidan stood up…but before he could leave the table, she was gone.

He didn't bother to turn the light on when he entered his apartment. Really, he should go back to Vancouver, help his grieving mother sort out the remains of their home, help rebuild. Right now, though, Kaidan just couldn't bring himself to go back. Everything he had imagined for his future after the war included Shepard. Introducing her to his parents, throwing back a few bears on the deck overlooking the bay, even formally introducing her to his students—none of that would happen now.

And just like that—the walls of Kaidan's apartment seemed to press in on him, the walls seemed to pull his heart from his chest to his stomach, and that it was if his heart made it that far. His pulse hammered in his ears, as if his body was a ticking bomb. All of it was too much.

Kaidan stumbled towards the fridge, his mind only able to focus on one thing: escape. Of course, having gone through this before, Kaidan knew leaving his apartment wouldn't solve anything. Then again, this beer, or the next three wouldn't really either, but at least they would numb his pain for a little while. And hadn't he earned a little break? God, he had nearly died more times than he could count, trying to save the galaxy-trying to save the woman he loved.

At the thought of her, the sound of her laugh in his brain, Kaidan popped the cap off the bottle before he could break down again. He had no energy to cry tonight. Downing the bottle as quickly as he could, Kaidan heard the floor creak a few feet away. Footsteps? Not possible. No one else knew his key code. His stomach sank as he saw a shadow move from the opposite corner.

Diving behind the counter, Kaidan reached for his gun, and checked to see if it was loaded. "Show yourself. I'm armed." Swallowing hard, he tried to sound braver than he felt. If he had known he was going to have an armed standoff, Kaidan would have downed coffee instead of beer. He peered over the counter just in time to see the shadow step into the light coming from the windows.

It wasn't possible. Kaidan tried to hold onto his gun, but his hands shook. Not now, please not now. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid.

"Kaidan, wait." Her voice was smooth and rich—just like he remembered.

Part of him desperately wanted this to be real, but deep down Kaidan knew that it couldn't be. It was time he stopped kidding himself. Miranda was right. "Please go." His voice cracked as he forced the words out. "We both know how this ends"—with Shepard dying right in front of him, just like she had at the end of all his other nightmares.

"How what ends?" Any moment she would run over, pull him into her arms, and hold him tight. Sometimes they'd make dinner together like they had in Anderson's old apartment. In other's they'd go out to eat in the Presidium Commons. Once he even had the opportunity to introduce her to his mom. The dreams could never end there, though. Soon enough Kaidan would realize it was a dream—that Shepard was really dead—and then she would realize it too. Her eyes would widen. Sometimes she'd crumble to the ground. Other times she would burst into flames, screaming. In one particularly gruesome dream—she simply exploded. Kaidan felt sick just thinking about it.

"I know you're dead, Shepard. I know this isn't real. I-I know I'm dreaming."Maybe if he kept saying it, maybe he would wake up.

"I'm—I'm hurting you, aren't I?" Something in her voice was different…it made him stand up and look at her. She had never questioned herself before. Shepard had always been one of the most stubborn people he knew. "…This was a bad idea." Shepard turned towards the window, looking out towards the presidium roof. She stretched out her hand toward the glass panes. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. Forget this ever happened."

Maybe it was the beer, but for a second it looked like her hand was phasing right through the window. Wait. "Where're you going?" No! He should let her leave. This is what he wanted right? To avoid seeing her die for the umpteenth time?

Dropping her hand, she looked at him again. "Kaidan—"

What the hell-? "What happened to your eyes?" They seemed to glow, even in the dim light—as if they belonged to a machine. NO! No, no no. Kaidan shut his eyes, bracing his hand on the counter as his head swam. This was almost worse than watching her die.

"Kaidan—you might want to sit down."

The bar stool wobbled, and Kaidan started to fall backward. In an instant, she was there, holding him up. Her touch felt colder, somehow.

She bit her lip, almost smiling. "On the couch."

He almost laughed. "Is that an order, Commander?"

Shepard flinched as they sat down. "I'm not your commander anymore, Kaidan."

He tried to wrap his mind around her words, but all of them failed to make sense. All Kaidan could see was Anderson's empty apartment when they finally reached the Citadel after the mass relays started working again, his empty inbox that he had checked every day after leaving Earth—a folder he had set up specifically for her. The video feeds of the Citadel chambers where they found Anderson's and The Illusive Man's bodies—but not Shepard's. Weeks of searching, and they only found her helmet. Kaidan looked up. "Then what are you?"

She sighed. "It's hard to explain."

Even now Kaidan wasn't completely sure he wanted to hear her answer, but a larger—weaker part of him wanted her to stay talking to him. His voice broke as he replied, "Try me."

"Remember how The Illusive Man wanted to control the Reapers?" He could barely hear her voice.

Kaidan looked up. Shepard looked down at her hands, seemingly unable to meet his eyes. His stomach turned. "What about it?"

Shepard's shoulders heaved as she took a steadying breath. "The Catalyst wasn't a device, or even part of one." Finally she looked up at him, and Kaidan saw an ache in her eyes that mirrored his own. "It was a being….a collective consciousness like Legion. An AI created by the Levianthans…who turned on its creators and created the Reapers."

Seeing Shepard die over and over again was one thing…but this? Somehow this was worse. "What did it do to you?"

Shepard closed her eyes tightly. "The Catalyst didn't do this to me, Kaidan. I chose it. It wasn't easy. You have to believe me."

Al the pain, all the despair…all the loneliness boiled up within him. He couldn't help his next words as he spat them out. "You were supposed to destroy the Reapers, Shepard! Not—whatever this is."

Her voice broke too. "I couldn't, Kaidan. The Catalyst warned me…it said the same power that would destroy the Reapers would destroy all synthetic life. And the cycle would just repeat itself again." A tear slipped down her cheek and she clenched her fists. "After all we'd been through with Geth…and EDI…I couldn't sentence them to die."

His words still had an edge to them, though they came out hollower than before. "So you sentenced yourself to die instead."

Shepard nodded, finally meeting his eyes again. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I knew this would hurt you." She looked out toward the window. "But I had hoped you would have moved on by now. You're such a good g-"

"How am I supposed to move on!?" Kaidan stood up, charging around to the back of the couch before he did something he'd regret. "You meant _everything_ to me."

"I know that…now." Shepard didn't move. "I watched over you ever day, and my heart broke just as yours did." She wiped her eyes as she stood up. "I haven't forgotten what it was like to be human." Looking down, she sighed. "I wish I could stay, but if I stray too long, I risk the Reapers regaining control." Her voice was at a bare whisper. "I've missed you, Kaidan."

Kaidan turned, watching her.

Shepard chuckled. "Watching you from a distance…well, it's not the same as seeing you face to face." She smiled slightly, and it made his heart ache. "Nor is it the same as feeling your skin against mine."

"How—how did you?" Without realizing it, he had closed the distance between them, and his hand was on her cheek.

"It wasn't hard. The Alliance and Cerberus had a lot of very specific data on me." She reached up, holding his hand in place. "Though you're a better judge of whether or not I succeeded."

Kaidan allowed himself one quick look, clearing his throat. "It looks up to snuff—aside from the eyes, I mean."

Shepard bit her lip. "Yeah, I could have made them the same color, but even then, they didn't look right."

"Like an android?"

She nodded, and started to pull away.

"Wait." Kaidan squeezed her shoulder. He smiled as she met his eyes, searching them for what he would say next. Could she know already? What exactly could that technology detect? "You look the same." A chuckle escaped his lips as he stepped closer. "But do you _feel_ the same?"

His fingers felt the goose bumps forming on her arm as her lips brushed his. "Let's find out."


End file.
